Musings on sleep

WARNING: This post is like a diary entry. Only read it if you're REALLY interested in the trials and tribulations of baby sleep. I'm posting it for all to see because I think one of the most interesting ways to learn and adapt parenting techniques is to hear first-hand from other parents' good and bad experiences. There is a whole lot of BAD in here, and a little bit of GOOD! I am not trying to give anyone advice here - I just want to share my story. Everyone has to do things their own way, so those of you who are also struggling with baby sleep issues (most of my friends!), I do not mean to come off as didactic. I also want to write this as a record of what I am hoping is a watershed moment in our household.

Okay, if you're a mom, you know what a sensitive subject sleep can be when you're parenting a baby. Everyone has their own philosophy, and is somewhere on the wide spectrum between "Baby should sleep without my help from day one" and "Baby can sleep on my chest until she's thirty." I have always tended more toward the latter. I held Katy for most of her naps in the early months, and then found that she napped great in her carseat. We've co-slept with her ever since about 4 months of age. Everyone was sleeping great, and things were lovely.

But she's too mobile to be napping in her carseat now, and I'm also tired of lugging the darn thing inside. It's time for her to learn to nap by herself on a flat surface, like, say, for instance, I don't know, maybe... her crib? It's been collecting dust for months in our bedroom, and is a pain to move, so a few weeks ago, I set up Katy's pack-and-play in her bedroom as a temporary crib (until we could find time to move the real crib downstairs) and began trying to get her to nap there. Well, that was the start of a long saga that has completely absorbed me for weeks now.

I have been (and still am) uncomfortable with Cry-It-Out, even though I know that some swear by it. I know it works for some, but it's not for us. So, for weeks, I've been nursing her to sleep and trying to gently lay her down in the pack-and-play. The longest nap I've gotten out of this method is 20 minutes, and after 3 weeks, it's not improving at all. I followed the advice of Elizabeth Pantley in the No Cry Sleep Solution, which suggests staying nearby the baby and shushing her to sleep if she wakes, just to get that nap to last longer in hopes of working regular naps into baby's biorhythmic clock. I have been doing this religiously, and it's just not working for us. I love the theory, and I have the utmost respect for Ms. Pantley for devising a sleep plan that doesn't involve crying, but this has just not been working for us.

Not to mention the havoc that her non-napping has wreaked on our nighttime sleep. We've been trying to break the suck-to-sleep association by gently unlatching when she's groggy (also from Ms. Pantley), and that HAS been working. Or at least, she has learned to fall asleep right after being unlatched. But she hasn't been staying asleep for long. Sometimes 45 minutes, sometimes 3 hours, but when she awakes, there are only 2 ways to get her back to sleep: nursing again or laying on my chest and getting back-pats and shushes. If I try just snuggling her lying next to her, or singing, she just gets louder and louder with her crying. This doesn't really work when Daddy needs to get up and go to work in a few short hours. Sadly, he has had to go sleep elsewhere a time or two.

Last night, we moved the crib downstairs to Katy's bedroom, and she took an evening nap of 35 minutes! Impressive. Zach attributes this to the crib being more comfortable than the pack-and-play. I was convinced it wouldn't make that much difference, but I think he might be right, as you will see.

So. Today a friend explained to me how she got her daughter to learn to sleep independently after being a co-sleeper. She put her in her crib groggy, and patted her and shushed her and stayed with her until she fell asleep, even though the baby was crying, and even though it might take an hour. After a few nights of that, she stayed with her baby, but a few feet away. Every few nights, she'd move further toward the door of the room, always staying and shushing until the baby fell asleep. After about 10 days, she was able to put the baby down and walk out of the room. My friend believes there's a big difference between letting the baby cry while you're there, touching her, talking to her, being there for her... and letting her cry alone.

After playgroup, I was not yet brave enough to try letting her cry, so I nursed her to sleep and put her in her crib (on her back). She slept for an HOUR and 5 minutes! This might seem like no big deal to some, but after what we've been through with 20 minute naps and trying to get her to sleep longer, this was a miracle. What was the difference? Only that she was on the comfy crib mattress instead of the lame pack-and-play board mattress. One point for Daddy.

After such success with nap #1 today, I got brave and decided to try what my friend suggested. I nursed Katy until she was groggy, put her in her crib and played her mobile, sitting in a chair right next to her and shushing her. She started crying, and I tried to quiet her for 10 minutes without picking her up, but she ended up getting REALLY upset, so I picked her up. (Sucker.) I rocked her until she got sleepy again, and then I put her back in - this time on her tummy. I know, I know you're not supposed to do that, but she is definitely strong enough to lift her head up at 8 months, so I'm not concerned. She often flips herself over to her tummy in her sleep anyway, so I figure it's safe. She cried for about 5 minutes as I patted her back and shushed her. I've been singing the ABCs to her as her sleepy song, so I sang that. She was still crying. So I switched to our old stand-by from the newborn days: Where is Thumbkin. Well, boy, did that ever do the trick. She stopped crying, listened to me sing, and after 2 rounds, was out like a light! That was an hour ago and counting!!!! (She did start crying once as I've been writing this, but the same patting and singing put her straight back to sleep without being picked up!)

So what I've learned is that listening to my baby cry is not nearly so hard if I'm touching her, singing to her, as I would imagine it would be if I were in another room. I've also learned that tummy sleep ROCKS (for older babies, who can move around well). And I learned that if your sleepy song ain't broke, don't fix it!

If you read all that, kudos to you. I hope it entertained you. It has certainly kept my attention for the past few weeks, and I'm overjoyed to be experiencing some success, even if just for one day.

To reward you for your time, here's a cute pic of the Kate-ster eating avocado today.